Why are you lying to me?

Lies lies lies

liar.
liar.
liar.

And still, I lie.

I lie a smidge, and he can tell.
I lie a bit to save time, and she knows.
I tell a big lie because it makes them feel better, and they believe me.

Instead of working a job that rewarded honesty and integrity, I did work that required dissociation and lying my ass off.

It's not a mystery to me why I haven't seen an issue with lying – it's been a protective mechanism. There is a problem though, it feels horrible. I don't want to lie all the time. I'm just so far down the rabbit hole of regularly lying its proving to be a difficult habit to break. Mainly, it's hard to notice in the moment that I’m lying. Typically, I notice a few seconds after and then wonder why I lied ever so slightly.

Well, I know why. It’s one, or a mix, of these three things:

First, because I like the false version of reality better than reality. Reality has upset me, and I don’t want to think about it, so perhaps if I tell someone else the false version of reality, it gives that version of events more weight to be true – enabling my la la land mentality.

Second, I feel there will be consequences to the real answer. The truth ruffles feathers, causes rifts and make waves I don't want to deal with. So, lies to stop drawing unwanted attention and causing upset.

Third, it's not safe to give out personal information. Letting someone know my true thoughts, whereabouts, or information will cause me harm. I think that last one is entirely a result of the working in the sex industry.

My best guess is the other two are coping mechanisms I formed long ago that instead of growing out of, I let flourish.

I wonder if you lie, dear reader. Are those reasons foreign to you, or have you caught yourself lying for one of those reasons too? Maybe your justification for lying is something entirely different.

People lie all the time in social interactions don’t they? No one wants a real answer to 'how you are you today?' People want the social nicety nod answer, not your life story. It's admirable to play along with the social nicety nod, and yet I've never understood why we don't say the real answers if we’re asking the question. Because people don't have time to play therapist? It isn't meant to be a real conversation? But then why ask? Seems redundant and dull, borderline retarded to constantly be having the same pointless interaction. Would me saying 'good' or 'fine' when I’m upset be considered a lie? Honestly. Where am I meant to be drawing the line?

I'm on a quest to be more truthful but maybe being truthful still has a time and place…or maybe the truth always is the best policy. You may think that's a silly example, and I'm being purposely obtuse, but there is something amiss in my mental software impeding me from getting 'the fucking point'. So, play along with me, will you? Little miss endless lies has an enigma to solve.

I was listening to Gabor Mate discuss his new book on The Joe Rogan Experience last month, and Gabor brought up Trump as an example of someone who isn’t consciously lying (1:48:00 ish ). He said that functionally Trump isn’t aware of the difference between his lies and reality because if he wants something to be true, he just believes it. So, to him, he isn’t lying, he believes believing in something makes it real. Mild horror when I listened. That’s me! Trump and I share a psychological trait? Uh oh.

Gabor said that behaviour is very child-like – trying to wish something into existence. So, I’m on point with my prior assessment of it being a bad coping mechanism I let flourish. I'm not a child though, I have agency. I can change and influence situations, I don't need to live in la la land. Perhaps I would have grown out of this bad habit had I not chosen work that required such dissociation and lies. I don’t know.

The same morning I started writing this article, I listened to JBP interview ex-mafia man Michael Franzese and at the end of their discussion, they spoke about lying. In fact, JBP used the same example I had written. What are the chances? Fun!

I wrote the example of women asking ‘do I look fat in this dress?’ and how men will often lie to protect the woman’s feelings. Here’s what JBP had to say,

“People have asked me these sorts of things trivially, like if your wife comes to you and she bought a new outfit and she asks, “well how does this look?”. Your best bet is to say, “well it looks great dear,” and I would say that’s not really your best bet because it’s better if she can rely on your word. Maybe the right answer in that situation is, “don’t ask me questions that you don’t want an answer to.” If you step carefully enough, sometimes even in awkward situations, you can find a way of telling the truth that serves the good and doesn’t betray someone that’s still true. You can make it happen, almost always.”

I can’t fault his logic. He and Michael expand a little on what might be a good lie, like in the context of saving someone’s life, etc. It’s only a four-minute listen right at the end of the episode if you want to have a listen yourself. The time stamp is 1:40:40. I’m not lying in life or death situations so I am not going to get into that.

I’ve told myself that I had to lie to survive and be accepted in society. Told myself no one would accept me as I am, the lies were a necessity. Without them, I'd be forced into a life of isolation which I didn’t think I could handle. The funny part is, I was already living that life, so my worst fear was realized a long time ago. I'm unsure what I realistically have left to fear or how this irrational logic has flourished for so long.

What I was actually doing was not allowing anyone the chance to get to know me or like me because I was lying all the time. I was isolating myself and causing my own problems. The lies took away the possibility of making a real life, ironically. The coping mechanism meant to protect me was causing the problems. It isn’t pleasant to admit I’m the source of my own suffering but, hey, that always seems to be how it goes.

I'm not the hero of the story. I'm not the good one who does no wrong. I'm as evil as the average bear, my brain just likes to pretend that isn't the case sometimes.

It likes to lie to itself and tell itself it’s okay to lie because I’m the good guy. I’m lying for a good reason, to protect myself, and it’s okay because I’m a good person.

Nah nah nah.

This is exactly how all abusers and psychos rationalize their own capacity for evil to themselves –  by making themselves the victim of some situation, rationalizing away the bad things they’re doing. We all justify bad things to ourselves in the same way, with us being the victim of story needing to do xyz bad thing to stand-up for ourselves. Well, that’s the lying talking, the devious little narcissist in the brain.

Must remind myself there is no good excuse for my lying. It’s objectively making the world a worse place because it’s not real. Have to stop rationalizing away my own evil. All that’s left is to face the consequences that come with being honest so late in the game.

A wise man once said,
"Whatever happens as a consequence of telling the truth is the best thing that can happen."

It rings true, so I’m giving it a go. I have to believe that honesty will yield the positive results it would have long ago if I were just honest from the start. It’s uncomfortable and awkward and I have no friends to speak of, but I feel proud of myself for the first time in a long time. That’s what mattered all along. So simple.

Lies steal adventure. They steal your life’s true potential. They steal integrity, confidence, and pride, and substitute with guilt and shame. Lies are a vote for evil, and not good, in the world. Being a coward isn’t as bad as being a liar, but it’s not far off, it also is not standing up for the truth.

Where will you place your vote today?

Stay curious and stop lying, friends.

Lots of love!